Dear Priest,
There stands a long war between the "good" films and the "entertaining" films. Most films either take several sticks of dynamite, light them and force their actors to run around screaming as the director violently chucks said explosives, or they stick two people in a room to talk about why they should've kept the baby instead of sending it away to Zimbabwe to be eaten by a hippopotamus when its left leg was taken by cancer. Few films perform well in both categories, and a truly good and entertaining film is difficult to find.
And you aren't one of them.
I think I have given you a much higher rating then you deserve but I went in knowing that the best I would get out of this was the cheap adrenaline rush induced by digitalized monster sneakiness. With your categorization (horror/sci-fi/western) and setting (dystopian futuristic Catholic-run state) and your premise (warrior priest hunts vampires to rescue his daughter), I can honestly say that no one with even the mildest amount of movie sense would expect Academy Award winning material even with a few decent actors (Paul Bettany, Karl Urban, Christopher Plummer) thrown in.
Despite a rousing set of Clint Eastwood impressions and strange flashbacks to Star Trek, you are disturbingly entertaining. Explosive action sequences with physically implausible (if not utterly impossible) stunts (Scotty can't change the laws of physics, but Maggie Q can) throw eye-candy at an amused (and somewhat bemused) audience. Poorly scripted lines are predictable (but humorous in that the audience can call and imitate them before the actors finish them) and delivered in such a fashion that hints all acting talent was left at the door (they had a little bucket that asked for the plot and character development as well). The megalomaniac (Karl Urban) bad-guy (who is neither explained, named, or justified despite his obvious importance to the Priest) is appealing in his shallowness and the Priest's (Paul Bettany) unrelenting quiet makes him the stereotypical badass people like watching these days (rosary whip and throwing star crosses, anyone?).
Add in a rather pointless sidekick (Cam Gigandet) and a gravity-defying, love interest (Maggie Q) and you have a stupid summer spectacle that spends the better part of its hour and thirty minutes blowing things up with the thin purpose of reacquiring a girl (Lily Collins). At the same time, it manages to insult the integrity of world religions, several races and the intelligence of its viewers.
I enjoyed every second and feel absolutely no shame.
So, with a 4/5 stars for entertainment and a -1/5 stars for value to society, I can firmly leave you with a 1.5/5 overall.
Now Lacking Several IQ Points,
Savvy
I have to respectfully disagree with every single comment made in this post. Not only was this the single greatest thing ever committed to celluloid, but it also changed my life. Seeing the power of the Church, I have chosen to turn back to her - I want to live in the safety of her shadow, particularly when the vampires coming a-knocking. Since seeing this film, I have made the wise decision to cease all communication with non-believers, to stop going outside at night, and to ignore Paul Bettany whenever he walks past me.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm happier for all of it. Sorry, but I'm afraid you're way off base here. And if you're not going to renew your faith and shun Bettany with the rest of us, I'm afraid this will have to be the end of our friendship.
My review: "Priest" gets a 10 stars out of 5 from me.